Fly American from Houston to Washington

Boarding one of those seemingly magical, frequently mystifying ‘flights’ from Houston, Texas, we embark on a journey to – ahem - Washington, Texas. Yes, you read that right, my friend! One of the great ironies of American geography: a domestic flight so poignantly devoid of Mile High Club potential, yet nevertheless draped with the same intricacies of international flights. The question isn't 'why would you?' but 'why the heck not?’

The spectacular brain trust at American Airlines has developed the most efficient routes via an assortment of possible itineraries. Now, you are probably wondering, "Are there direct flights between these two bustling Texan metropolises?" Well, friend, buckle in because this ride is about to get bumpier than the fuselage of a ‘cheap flight’ in hurricane season.

Even the most ardent enthusiast of 'round-trip' adventures will find that there’s a surprising, even delightful, lack of non-stop flights in solving this geographical conundrum. Heck, you probably haven’t had this much fun since last year’s standoff with the flight cancellation policy. The amusing fact that Google Maps advises covering the 300-mile distance by car rather than aeronautical engineering is, needless to say, nothing less than a breath of fresh, jet fuel-tainted air.

In the realm of 'connecting flights,' strapping yourself into the seat of not one, but two or even three aircraft, is a tantalizing prospect. So, if you have ever desired to become a 'frequent flyer' without actually traveling great distances or venturing through time zones, this opportunity rivals the thrill of meticulously studying Bigfoot sightings or hunting for the last slice of pizza in the fridge at 3 A.M.

Not only can you enjoy the dizzying whirlwind of layovers, quick airport pretzel bites, and perhaps even the sporadic allowing of a ‘last-minute flight,’ you’ll have the grand chance to push the boundaries of your baggage allowance. Remember, friends, pack lightly. However, if the urge to carry everything except the kitchen sink strikes you, do think kindly of the baggage handlers. We all know those 'flight deals’ aren’t reflective of their chiropractic costs.

And speaking of the seating divide, let me tell you - business class, economy class, premium economy, first class... the whole gamut is up for grabs. Because let's face it, what better way to draw straws on your travel comfort than within the confines of a single U.S state? You could end up with a pre-flight champagne toast, or you could be clinging onto the last pack of complimentary peanuts – a humble reminder of the game of roulette that is airplane seating.

The absolute best time to book this trip? Perhaps when you are tingling with an innate sense of wanderlust, a burning desire to be simultaneously at two places within the same state, or maybe even when that eccentric billionaire uncle leaves you a humble fortune with the condition to spend it on 'in-flight services'.

Now, before you sear my name on every ‘airline review,’ I plead to you - wear your satirical lenses. Let the irony of soaring thousands of feet to bridge a few hundred miles wash over you warmly, like a hot inflight washcloth on your travelweary face. This panorama of connecting barely disconnected dots is a pitch-perfect demonstration that oftentimes, the journey indeed matters more than the destination.