Fly American from London to Roanoke

There you are in splendid old London, sipping an overpriced cup of tea while reminiscing about the thrilling escapades of Sherlock Holmes. After taking but one last jovial selfie with the Queen’s Guard, you're now more than ready to jet off to your next adventure in Roanoke. See there - you aren't lost to the world yet unless you find yourself airborne on an obscure, overpriced and unimpressive direct flight! So, dear digital pilgrim, here is a sarcastically honest guide to how best to navigate the 'clouded' world of American flights from London to Roanoke.

First of all, let's get this straight - If anyone tries to sell you a 'non-stop' or 'direct flight' from London to Roanoke, give them a hearty laugh and ask them to show you their magic carpet. Alright, my dear friend, the reality is tinged with a hint of inconvenience. You have to prepare for a charming 'layover,' preferably one that doesn't require you to sprint through an incomprehensibly large airport.

When it comes to airfare, my friend, the words are clearly written on the wall or rather, the perpetually changing digital display. You may have heard tales of 'cheap flights,' which, like unicorns and honest politicians, are often spoken of but rarely seen. Your best bet is to keep an eye out for enticing 'flight deals,' which seem to appear and disappear in the blink of an eye like an irksome Cheshire Cat.

Of course, choosing a flight isn’t just about the flight duration or who gets you the best deal. Let’s also ponder about the class. Are you a pint-sized, economy class passenger or a champagne-flute-sipping first-class flyer? If you're part of the thriving proletariat, you might try squeezing yourself into economy class, hoping that your knees won't be cemented firmly into your chest. Or maybe you're a distinguished member of the bourgeoisie, opting for first-class, where you can debate whether your chair should be gold or silver plated.

Don’t you even get me started on the 'baggage allowance.' Suddenly, you'll find yourself playing the adult version of Tetris - one where your contraband (I mean, toiletries) and undergarments play starring roles. And for the frequent flyers among us, you can delight in the 'mileage program', gathering points like a squirrel hoards nuts, only to discover you have just enough for a coffee and muffin at the airport café. Hoorah!

But worry not, for your flight shall not be devoid of in-flight services. Yes dear globetrotter, expect a 2-inch screen to watch age-old reruns of sitcoms while you enjoy a meal that probably inspired Oliver Twist’s famous "Please sir, I want some more".

And finally, brace yourself for the 'flight cancellation policy,' a labyrinthine jumble of ifs and buts that would put Greek mythology to shame.

So there you have it, your sardonic travel companion from London to Roanoke, leaving you appropriately warned and mildly entertained. And remember, the journey is indeed as thrilling as the destination, especially when you're sandwiched between a snoring passenger and a wailing infant. Bon voyage!