Fly American from Miami to Plattsburgh

Just when you thought one-way journeys couldn't smack of exasperating irony, along comes a spellbinding airfare expedition from the sun-drenched, palm-lined streets of Miami, all the way to...well, some 1400 miles north of Miami. Don't look so puzzled! We're not getting disoriented by the Florida sunshine, we're referring to little ol' Plattsburgh, Florida. Yes, brace yourselves, fun-size Floridians, as we embark on an exhaustive dissection of flying American-style from Miami to Plattsburgh: an arduous trek that is, refreshingly, void of any logical geographical sense.

Scheduling? Child's play! Who wouldn't relish the exhilarating unpredictability of flight schedules? The element of surprise that lurks beneath those impeccable 'on-time' reports stabs you with the adrenaline jolt of a double-shot espresso. Don't even mention flight duration. Experience tells us that around four days or seven hours is the rough estimate, depending on the alignment of Saturn with Venus, or maybe the current mood of the American Airline gods.

Should someone ignite your wildly extinct enthusiasm for 'non-stop' flights, I suggest you laugh heartily and order another cocktail. The term isn't even in the aviation dictionary when flying from Miami to Plattsburgh. Connecting flights and layovers are the mighty king and queen, sporting shiny crowns, orchestrating wonderfully extended journeys that should, rightly, be achievable within a day, week, or perhaps even the same year, if you are blessed.

You're not a masochist, are you? No? Excellent! In that case, let me steer you clear of the grim fantasy of economy class. It really is stand-up comedy at its finest - the unimaginable contortions required to fit a human being into such a minuscule molded plastic seat is shiveringly Kafkaesque. A tip from the lords of juggling overhead cabin space: your baggage allowance is better invested in a bottle of the finest Chardonnay.

Ah, the odor of a freshly baked baguette wafting through the cabin, or so the flight attendants tell you. The tantalizing promises of in-flight services fruition seldom crosses, unless you count the unrivaled service of kindly dodging your neighbor's snores whilst simultaneously trying to balance a bite-sized cheese cracker on your folding table made for ants. Keep an eye on that cracker, it's scored the lead role in your in-flight entertainment!

Perhaps you're an aspirational frequent flyer, tantalized by the mileage program's elusive platinum-card dreams where everyone's on a first-name basis in the business class lounge, sipping champagne as you reminisce about your first red-eye flight, and how it's all been worth it... No? Didn't think so.

Take heart, fellow Masochist Avoiders! Indulge in this delightfully torturous journey from Miami to Plattsburgh and hold your heads high! The strategy to secure those elusive cheap flights can be compared to waiting for a snowfall in July. Nevertheless, we remain hopeful, eternally optimistic, praying to the flight deals' gods to shower us with their benevolent blessings.

So now, armed with all the eccentricities that accompany an American journey from Miami to Plattsburgh, your sense of adventure surely must be piqued. After all, what's travel without a hint of the absurd and a dash of delicious irony? Bon voyage!