Fly American from Portland to Chicago

Come one, come all, far and near. Prepare to embark on a grand flying adventure where no tale has ever dared to soar. Buckle up your seat belts and dust off those frequent flyer miles, we are journeying from the whimsically wet wilderness of Portland, Oregon to the pizza-loving metropolis, none other than Chicago, Illinois.

In a world dominated by stunning in-flight services, does class discrimination still exist at an aerial level? ABSOLUTELY! Your choice, ladies, and gentlemen, range from being pampered in First-class, nibbling on dainty delicacies, and sipping on exorbitantly expensive Champagne, to being stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey in the Economy class, wrestling for armrest and yearning for a crumb of legroom. In this circus of air travel, the latter bears a striking similarity to watching a horror movie in broad daylight - frightfully uncomfortable yet inexplicably amusing.

Now, for our valiant voyagers eyeing the Direct flights across this vast nation, brace yourselves for uncharted territories of unimaginable boredom. For where there are no layovers, there hides the menacing dragon of monotony. Fear not, for your friendly flight attendants are armed with an array of stale pretzels, inches-thick glossy magazines on Czech architecture, and a movie list featuring the who's-who of "wait, do I know this actor?" Nevertheless, these dauntless bearers of beverages make this airborne trudge a tad more bearable, putting the "fun" in "functional."

That's not to say you gallivanters hankering for a taste of the round-trip and the glorious layovers they bring are any more blessed. Be prepared to find yourself in a paradoxical limbo - fervently dreading the wailing infants and animated inebriates, yet equally frantic with the fear of missing your next flight. A thrilling spectacle, indeed!

Now, if you are a penny-pincher looking for cheap flights or a daredevil waiting for the thrilling frisson of last-minute flights, you might be in for a surprise. Contrary to popular opinion, the airfare fairy doesn't actually bring discounts while you sleep. Indeed, the best time to book is akin to the myth of the Holy Grail - often discussed, rarely seen, and entirely elusive.

Now, when you finally take the plunge and decide on your airline, you might be inquisitive about the baggage allowance. You can be forgiven for thinking it's a simple affair - why, it's just some numbers, right? Alas, dear traveler, the world of airline luggage policy is a complex labyrinth of paperwork, fee schedules, and the occasional sacrificed carry-on. Be warned, the brave-hearted souls who venture with oversized luggage! The airline companies are lurking, ready to hit you with excess fees enough to drain the coffre-fort.

Now, if you think this sounds like a Douglas Adams novel penned in an alternative universe, wait until you're actually on your way to Chicago from Portland. Tossed about by peculiar turbulence (did I just feel an aerial pothole?), serenaded by the sweet symphony of a symphonic snorer, and mesmerized by the unending void outside your minuscule window, you start to wonder - maybe the domestic flights aren't so bad after all. Or, you could just hitch a ride on a passing spaceship. Your choice, really.

So, having belly-laughed (or cringed, we won't judge) at the farcical reality of air travel, go forth, brave adventurer! Take that trip, wrestle for your armrest, sip on your half-sized cola can, and marvel at the wonder that is air travel. And remember, as you fly high above the clouds, no journey is too long if the destination is mighty Chicago and if you have this guide as your "Flying on American - For Dummies." Bon, voyage!