Fly American from San Diego to Des Moines

In the riveting world of air travel, a noble quest from San Diego, California, to Des Moines, looks more like an entertaining anecdote about a brave knight (you, the traveler) victorious in his pursuit of procuring that elusive dragon (in this case, cheap, suitable flights). Grasp your imaginary armrests, folks – we’re taking off for some jokes at 30,000 feet.

The fabled journey you’re embarking upon starts with deciding upon the type of beast you wish to battle - I’m talking about 'flights,' of course. You might opt for a 'round-trip' as it often projects the façade of commitment; or maybe a 'one-way' ticket if you've been woefully inspired by a certain Kelly Clarkson ballad. Let's not discount 'direct flights' though, perfect for those who have an allergy to 'layover' towns and ‘Connecting flights’ (no offense, Kansas).

The decision between 'non-stop' and 'connecting flights' is somewhat reminiscent of the eternal conundrum: would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? A 'non-stop' flight is a sprint, a dance with the clock that could leave you breathless but brimming with triumph. 'Connecting flights,' on the other hand, are similar to a marathon: lengthy, punctuated by periods of frustrating restlessness, and awfully hard on the knees.

Kidding aside, it's an important decision, much like choosing your jousting lance or preferred breakfast cereal. A notably large part of formulating your game plan lies in sussing out 'flight deals.' For those uninitiated in the cryptic art of airline lingo, this basically equates to airline's version of a 'sale' tag. Like finding the Holy Grail or the last piece of your favorite cake in the fridge, stumbling upon affordable 'airfare' is a truly divine intervention in the saga of your air travel.

Okay, and we all know economy class is equivalent to peasant status in the monarchy of airplanes. “Economy” sounds well... economical, but who truly wants to reenact Snow White’s adventure in a cabin full of snoring dwarf-like passengers? There’s also the 'First-class,' ideal if you've just won the lottery, experienced a cash windfall or have an absolutely generous rich uncle (or you are the rich uncle!). A fantastic choice for those who wouldn't mind sipping champagne while wrapped in a suitably warm, plush blanket... and applauding the 'in-flight services.'-

The warrior in you will appreciate the distinction between 'business class,' 'premium economy,' and 'first-class.' They may sound eerily similar to various aristocratic titles. But be warned, a Prince cannot accept being called a Duke, likewise, a business class traveler wouldn’t appreciate being relegated to economy class. It's a hierarchy, and understanding it is integral to your knightly duties.

The 'baggage allowance' question befalls upon us like an unanticipated joke; the punchline being that you either pack light or pay the price. And while we're on the subject of laughter, let me mention the 'flight cancellation policy' which is often amusing in a hair-pulling, scream-at-the-customer-service sort of way. It's needless to mention that understanding this policy beforehand acts as a safety net for your sanity, like bringing an extra mouse to a Tom and Jerry marathon.

And after all this gallivanting through the air travel rhyme and rhythm, you then become part of the 'frequent flyer' club; it's basically the Round Table for highfliers. People might even start using phrases like “Aww bless their cotton socks, look at their cute little 'mileage program' card.”

So, strap in Schrödinger's air traveler- not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the hilarity or travesty of it all! Here's to hoping your story finds its happy ending as you embark on your expedition from San Diego to Des Moines. And remember folks, the 'best time to book' is always now, or yesterday if you have a handy time machine lying around. Async up and fly!