Fly American from Sao Paulo to Grand Forks

In a post-everything world where cuddling armadillos and pulling all-nighters qualifies as exotic adventure, there's not much left to discuss except the kaleidoscope of thrill that awaits the unassuming traveler embarking on a journey from Sao Paulo to, well, Sao Paulo - via Grand Forks. Ah, the delicious irony of modern aviation! Oh, how the gods of travel must laugh at the wonderfully roundabout way of going nowhere!

Nevertheless, dear traveler, embark we must on this joyous pursuit of rendering an ode to American, the 'esteemed' facilitator of our imminent journey on wings. Looking for cheap flights? Not here, dear friend! American Airlines must have mistaken round-trip flights for a trip round the moon and pegged airfares to match.

The 'ease' of securing last-minute flights stands as a testament to American's commitment to customer service. With an efficiency rivaled only by the speed of our national snail racing championships, they show no discrimination between fast and slow: all are equally inconvenienced!

I feel compelled to pre-emptively congratulate you: brace for an incredibly long, non-existent, non-stop flight. American has famously pioneered the telescopic flight time strategy. You see, the flight duration magically stretches as the journey progresses. Yes, relativity was Einstein’s ticket to popularity, but American truly took it places. Quite incredibly, a few degrees of longitude rotation come with additional hours, free of charge.

Thank heavens that during this time, you, the valiant traveler, shall comfortably stew in Economy Class. Ah! If only we could bottle the aromas of overcooked food, recycled air and the beacon of fellow travelers’ personal hygiene – or the lack thereof. Now remember, this is certainly where most of the airfare goes, to maintain this olfactory cornucopia!

The in-flight entertainment shall keep you in a state of delightful euphoria, occasionally punctuated by a rom-com too cliché for broadcast television or an action flick you've seen two decades ago. Then again, you don't have to watch anything. You can simply bask in the unmistakable melody of babies crying and snoring passengers. Ah, music to our ears, is it not?

But let’s not forget the pièce de résistance of American’s services: their poker-faced baggage allowance policy. Quite akin to a merry game of Russian roulette, a higher being determines whether you'll ever see your suitcase again. Take heed! Territory already explored by Columbus isn’t as lost as your misplaced Louis Vuitton.

Your earnestness to become a frequent flyer with American is truly commendable. Just as getting to Grand Forks by flying from Sao Paulo to Sao Paulo somehow makes sense, so does trading a lifetime of flying for a cup of their best, lukewarm, almost-coffee.

So here's to you, dear traveler. Carry forth, dare the thresholds of sanity, plunge into the oblivion of time zones. And remember: Sao Paulo may just be the beginning of the end…of your patience. But fret not, once you've sampled the ripe delights of Hoffert, Buchli, and Sanchez - the three prominent forks of our beloved Grand - any journey will seem like a walk in the park.

May you sail forth in your journey, mocking the ticking hands of chronos herself, because American Airlines has ensured that flight schedule is merely a suggestion, not a promise. Bon voyage!