Fly American from Sao Paulo to Memphis

Oh honey, let's take a minute to chat about the artist formerly known as airtravel, shall we? More specifically, let me paint a Picasso-esque portrait of your upcoming 'magical journey' from São Paulo to Memphis via everyone's favorite flying machine, American Airlines. Strap in, it's going to be a wild ride.

Now, you've probably been enticed by those captivating "Cheap flights" advertised online. We'll be brushing over those little gems and focusing on the ever-thrilling "Direct flights", or as it's usually known, "How To Get From Point A To Point B Without Losing Your Mind Or Your luggage".

So, let's discuss the daunting "Flight duration". Direct flights from São Paulo to Memphis typically take around 12 hours. Oh, the sheer joy of spending half a day cooped up in a glorified metal tube. But don't worry, you'll have plenty to do, like "enjoying" the in-flight catering or "resting comfortably" in your state-of-the-art economy class seat.

If you're one of those lucky souls, you might have splurged on a Business class or, dare we dream, First-class ticket. Ah, the "luxury" of slightly more legroom, marginally better food, and a thimble of something sparkling. Worth every penny you remortgaged your house for, right?

Now, every savvy traveler knows about the "Baggage allowance". You're allowed one carry-on and one personal item. Sounds generous, right? But remember, if your hand baggage is even a millimeter over the designated size, you will be hunted down like a dog by security personnel who are clearly blind to the emotional baggage you're already lugging around.

We mustn't forget about the "In-flight services". You'll be overwhelmed by the sheer plethora of entertainment options that come with your teeny-tiny personal screen. From blockbuster movies to games, rejoice in the knowledge that you're passing time the same way you do at home, but in a much more cramped and awkward context.

Speaking of awkward, let's talk about the "Flight cancellation policy". Evidently the airlines figured since they are playing fast and loose with your time and comfort, they might as well do the same with your money. Refund? Haha, sweet summer child. No refunds here, just vouchers and bitter tears.

As for "airline reviews", they run the gamut from mildly irritated to full-on fire-and-brimstone-level rage. But you're thinking positive, you're a 'glass half full' type of person. Maybe the surly service you've read about is just a fun in-joke and in reality, everyone on board is a ray of sunshine awaiting to brighten up your day.

Ah, to be part of the "Frequent flyer" or "Mileage program." The fantasy of being a jet-setting, high-flying global citizen. Just remember, those 'points' for your heart-racing layovers and fabulous in-flight meals aren’t likely to add up to a lol-worthy, free round-trip to Siberia anytime soon.

So, my dear traveler, whether you're a wide-eyed novice partaking in this delightful circus for the first time or a seasoned pro who can spot a "Last-minute flights" deal from a mile away, I wish you all the best as you navigate your São Paulo to Memphis extravaganza. Remember, life isn't about the destination, it's about the mind-boggling journey on the way. Happy travels!