Fly American from Washington to Oakland

Dearly beloved jet-setters, prepare to be gently satirized. As one embarks on the grand 21st-century magic carpet ride known as a 'flight' on American Airlines from the illustrious capital of the United States, Washington DC, to the less-known metropolis across the bay, Oakland in sunny California, one must surely wrestle with certain miraculous realities.

You see, flights of this nature can be termed 'domestic flights.' I hear your awe. But it's true, a flight that remains tethered within the sprawling borders of this great nation - much like a misguided kite - is bestowed this moniker. And if you were thinking of defecting mid-air to join our Canadian brethren, the "international flights" are apparently not available on this route. So, keep those passports sheathed, my friends.

Navigating the labyrinthine landscapes of airfare is not an undertaking for the faint of heart. In this mystical virtual bazaar, prices rise and plummet with the unpredictable whimsy of a roller-skating koala bear. Conventional wisdom tells us that the 'best time to book' flights is precisely 18.6 weeks before departure during a solstice festival under a waxing crescent moon...Or was it 29.4 days during a lunar eclipse? Ah, the Internet's cornucopia of truths.

Enter into this incredibly acrobatic world of "flight deals" and you might become an innocent participant in a veritable three-ring circus. The daring adventures of the 'cheap flights' trapeze artists, the 'last-minute flights' fire breathers, and the 'flight duration' jugglers are known only to the seasoned traveler or the parent of restless toddlers. Welcome to the greatest show on virtual earth!

Do you live life on the fast lane? The airline occasionally proffers some non-stop magic carpet experiences, cleverly disguised as 'direct flights.' In these marvels of modern travel, you board the plane in Washington, somehow flying above the cumulus clouds, and disembark in Oakland without making menacing stop at Wichita or Bozeman. Falconry at it’s finest.

But let not your heart be troubled by disappointment if instead you are thrust into the wild embraces of 'connecting flights'. These are delightfully disguised as mini-vacations (do pray you pack that swimsuit and monocle). For, during your 'layover,' you can explore the culinary wonders of ORD or the architectural marvels of DFW for exactly an hour and a half. Isn't travel just wonderful?

Beware though; for the unacquainted, the 'airline reviews' beckon you into their enticing embrace. But don't be fooled. Much like thunder follows lightning, for every kind soul delighting in a flawless 'in-flight service,' you will find a raging Pegasus bemoaning the 'baggage allowance'. Indeed, anger knows no depths when your fifth pair of shoes does not fit in that overhead locker.

Adventure-seekers, praying at the church of miles as the collection plate of 'frequent flyer' programs passes by, let us be clear, rewards unseen and alleged await you. Bathe in the adoration showered upon the chosen ones in 'Business class' or quell rebellious thoughts of revolt in the humble 'Economy class'. Even the 'Premium Economy' and 'First-class' citizens are not safe from gentle mocking. Really, what's in a class, my airborne Montagues and Capulets?

So, now that you're armed, maybe bemused by this satirical sojourn through the turbulent skies of air travel, prepare for take-off. As you navigate from Washington, District of Columbia to Oakland, District of Columbia (or was it California?), keep your seat in an upright position, fasten your sense of humor, and enjoy the ride.