Fly American from Washington to Portsmouth

So, you're planning on taking one of those marvelous flights from the metropolis of Washington, D.C., to the forward-thinking haven of Portsmouth? Excellent choice, fellow traveler! Now, let me guide you in navigating the rollercoaster ride that is booking flights with our very own champion of the skies, American Airlines.

We'll start with the basics, shall we? When to book? Honestly, if anyone tells you there's a psychic octopus who knows the 'best time to book,' bet your bottom dollar they're more 'in-flight' than the plane itself! But, through a highly scientific deduction and a pivotal thesis I crafted (read: wild guesses), the best time to book is when you've reached peak caffeine kick on a Tuesday morning while listening to Frank Sinatra. Science, my friend- never question it.

Now onto the age-old debate: one-way or round-trip? Even the most amateur flyers know that one-way is the introverted cousin of flights, preferring to take the scenic route and relish multiple continents, while round-trip is the efficient executive with every minute accounted for. But in our journey from Washington to Portsmouth, we're watching the domestic flights championship- it's the non-stop sprinting champ against the connecting flights marathons! Between you and me though, I'd pick the non-stop. It's easier to gauge flight duration without the unpredictability- and potential horror- of layover times.

Once you've conquered this labyrinth of choices, you'll encounter the wonderland of in-flight services. But don't be fooled my friends! No one, I repeat, nobody needs a 24K gold-plated cutlery set or a butler named Jeeves in business class just to cut through the rubbery-whoops-I mean, delicately curated airline food! You'll fare well (get it?) with an economy class ticket and maybe indulge in a premium economy seat if you like the thrill of adjustable footrests. But it's your baggage allowance that'll be the true hero here. It's the difference between packing a year's supply of ramen or cramming your poor suit into carry-on like a budget origami artist!

The final flourish is joining the mileage program, which I have fondly named the 'Frequent Flyer Formula.' Much like those point systems in school where you collected stars, but instead of a gold star from the teacher, you get a sizable reduction on your airfare. Now, isn’t that a mature adult’s equivalent of a gold star?

Before you embark on your journey, though, do take a sweet moment to peruse through the flight cancellation policy. Because in the words of that great philosopher, Justin Bieber, "you never know." In keeping with the spirit of American Airlines, which has the audacity to call that 11-inch encroachment of your knees towards your chest a 'comfortable experience,' their cancellation policy strangely makes Kafkaesque law texts seem like bedtime stories.

So there you have it folks – your one-stop guide to surviving (maybe even enjoying) the non-stop, economical flight on American from Washington to Portsmouth! Remember, life isn't about the destination, it's about the thrilling adventure...and this one starts with a clicking on flight deals. Bon Voyage!